Oh Christmas Tree . . . saga {Part 1}

Today I’d like share a handy little how-to on putting up a Christmas tree, Borrowed Abode style.  And yes, you read that right.  This is only part one.  Uh-oh.

1. Go merrily road-tripping to a small Christmas tree farm, in an attempt to support local farmers.
2. After several weird turns, including one where the GPS wants you to go the wrong way down a dirt road marked “Private: Do not enter,” arrive at the farm.
3. Discover that neither you nor your boyfriend has enough cash for a tree.  Leave and find an ATM.  Retrieve cash.  {Probably} pay hefty ATM fee.
4. Return to farm.
5. In exchange for losing all sensations of warmth in the extremities, find the perfect tree.
6. Take photos for Christmas card.
7. Watch your boyfriend cut tree down and tie it to car.  Help where you can.
8. Get tree home safely.
9. Put tree outside for a day – because the boyfriend says to.  Put tree in metal bucket of water to keep it “fresh.”
10. The next night, plan to spend a romantic evening with the boyfriend, putting up the tree and decorating it.
11. Move the furniture around in the living room for an hour, trying to find the right way to make the tree fit in the living room without looking wonky.
12. Listen to your boyfriend mock your beautiful Christmas tablescape.
13. Realize that the dining room has no furniture and is perfect for the tree.
14. Frustrate your boyfriend: Move all living room furniture back to original locations.
15. Send boyfriend outside to get the tree, where it has been lashed to the fence to keep it from falling out of bucket.
16. At your boyfriend’s request, go out to back porch, where the tree is standing up in the bucket all by itself.  Can you guess why?
17. Listen as your boyfriend reminds you that he said not to put it in water – BECAUSE IT WOULD FREEZE.
18. Retrieve hairdryer.  Attempt to melt the ice and free the frozen tree.
19. Lose sensation in extremities again.  Where did this cold snap come from, anyway?
20. When hairdryer fails, stand back as your boyfriend swings at the bucket with a hammer.  Forget to take a photo for the blog.
21. Once bucket is loosened, remove tree.  Attempt to melt remaining ice.
22. Hold tree as your boyfriend attempts to saw off the bottom inch of the trunk, which will allow it to drink water.
23. Realize that the whole sawing thing isn’t happening tonight, because between the frozen, icy trunk and all the sap, the saw can barely move.
24. Haul tree inside after you realize it’s ok, the stump has been in ice and water since you cut it.
25. Center tree in tree-stand.   Make hot cocoa, and decide as a team that that’s all you can handle for the night. 
26. The next morning, wake up and realize the tree has been sitting without water for over 12 hours.  The rules are that after 3 hours without water it has to be cut again.  Sigh.  Decide to tackle it later.

You see, this is why this is only part 1.  As I type, it is Wednesday night.  We have decided to put it off more, until tomorrow.  We’re still worn out from last night’s ridiculousness.  This has got to be the most impossible attempt at Christmas tree decorating of all time.

UPDATE:  This morning I noticed that the ice chunks are still sitting on our porch, 36 hours later.  That’s seriously cold for December in Virginia.

What happened in Part 2? Read on.