Pets

Charlie.

From the day I found her, emaciated on a street, Charlie worked so hard to do what I asked of her.  And on Christmas day she was still trying to fulfill the last request I made of her when she was diagnosed with cancer in October.  We said “We’ll be happy if she makes it through Christmas.”

Maybe we should have asked that she make it past Christmas.

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On Christmas day Ryan and I had a wonderful morning and afternoon at my parents’ house, with my brother, his wife, and their two amazing little kids joining us for a big family Christmas.

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After they left, however, the harsh reality set in.  Charlie’s cancer was winning the battle.  She hadn’t eaten in at least 4 days, and her abdomen was swollen with fluid.  Her back legs were so weak they slid out from under her when she tried to walk. We were carrying her outside so she could pee.

Wilmington NC Charlie2

Charlie on a better Christmas, about 7 years ago.

What had happened?  Until 5 days before Christmas, things were going so well.  Charlie was eating and energetic and back, almost, to her pre-cancer self.  But then the Saturday before Christmas we took her to the emergency center because fluid was quickly building up in her abdomen again.

Monday before Christmas, two days after her ER visit, Charlie’s oncologist switched her to a more gentle chemo.  We considered stopping altogether, but didn’t want to mistakenly give up too soon, you know?  She had been doing so well. 

So on Christmas day, once the festivities were over, I just looked at her and knew what we had to do.  I couldn’t bear to see her looking unhappy and unable to really walk.  Ryan agreed.

We drove home to Virginia, and I put Charlie’s bed in the living room.  She collapsed onto it. Ryan and I sat with her, talking about The Decision, and that’s when we both lost it.  What had seemed reasonable on the drive home was suddenly the most terrifying thing.

Our last hour.

Our last hour.

Have you ever had to make the decision to take your pet out of the house and drive them to the hospital where you know they will be put to sleep, never to return home again?  Are you kidding me?!

I have never, ever before wanted to freeze time so badly as I did at that moment.

It must have taken us at least an hour to actually get up the courage to leave for the hospital. Finally Ryan scooped Charlie and her bed up in his arms and carried her out to the car.

I can’t write in detail about the ER visit and all that ensued.

When the time came, I couldn’t even watch. I just held Charlie’s head in my hands, and pressed my forehead against hers, with my eyes squeezed shut.  At this point I was crying and telling her over and over what a good girl she was.

As soon as the doctor said “She’s gone” and quietly left the room, I lost it even more.  I literally wanted to scoop her still-warm body into my arms and just run out of the hospital and never stop running and never stop telling her what a good girl she was.

Wilmington NC Beach Charlie Post1

Because seriously – She was such a good dog.  I know most people would say that about their dogs, but Charlie really was special. To have gone through so much in her early years, and to turn around her aggression quickly when I trained her, and to be such a loyal pup that even in the last few days when her legs were weaker, she would find the energy to still follow me from room to room . . .

I will never, ever have another dog like Charlie.  And I’m still reeling from the fact that suddenly our last 11 years are over, just like that.

Wilmington NC Beach Jane Charlie

 

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38 Comments

  • Reply Jordan at 12:23 am

    Oh Jane. This comment could never be enough. I’m crying with you and Ryan tonight for a truly beautiful girl, all the way to the end.

  • Reply Emily at 1:48 am

    This post made me tear up. I’ve been there with a doggie who looked so much like Charlie that it’s scary. It hurts. It hurts so much. I’m so sorry.

  • Reply Jen on the Edge at 3:06 am

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

  • Reply Becky at 7:47 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss. <3

  • Reply Taura at 8:28 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. There will never be enough words in our language to help convey that feeling in my heart for your family right now. I had been hoping and praying and following Charlie’s progress on Instagram and wishing for the best. A few years ago, we had to put our kitty Jasper to sleep after learning he had cancer that had gone unnoticed. We thought he had a thyroid condition and were treating a symptom, not the problem. We never realized that by the 2nd morning where he wouldn’t eat, it would be our last day with him. Cherish the memories that you had with her these last few months that you were able to squeak out. No other animal will ever be able to replace her, but cuddle anything with 4 legs and fur for as long as you need to! It helps, I promise! Animals know when you hurt and they do their best to make it feel all better. *hugs*

  • Reply erin at 9:55 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I remember the same experience when i was 17, and we were putting our beloved family dog to sleep. my parents, and my sister were all in the room… it was so mind numbingly bizzare but we knew it was what was going to put her out of pain.

    just always remember all the good about charlie.. she’ll be with you in spirit forever. there’ll be moments where you’ll swear you just saw charlie in random places. she’ll always be with you!

  • Reply Jenn at 11:55 am

    Oh Jane, I’m so so sorry to hear this.

  • Reply Beverley at 5:01 pm

    I am so very sorry for your loss.

  • Reply Cristina at 5:59 pm

    Oh Jane, I am so sorry for your lost. I remember when we had to do this with my childhood dog, Niki. It was me, my sister, and my dad; it was the first time in my life I had ever seen my dad cry. So I know exactly what you’re going through. I got teary-eyed just reading this. Sending lots of eHugs your way!

  • Reply Mikalah at 9:20 pm

    Dear Jane, I’m so sorry to hear about Charlie. We had to put our precious family dog down a few years ago, and it was the hardest thing. I couldn’t go to the vet with my dad and brother, I had to say goodbye at home. Losing a beloved pet is like losing a family member. I will definitely keep you and Ryan in my thoughts and prayers over the next few weeks.

  • Reply tara at 9:55 pm

    I’m so sorry for you, Jane. We’ve had our dog less than two years and I get sad even thinking that she won’t be with us someday. I know, though, that Charlie will enjoy many bones in doggie heaven.

  • Reply Jenn at 10:03 pm

    Jane, I am so truly sorry to hear of your loss. Despite not knowing your sweet girl, my heart is aching for you. She is not hurting now, and you gave her a fantastic life while you were able. You were both so lucky to have each other.

  • Reply Kiri at 12:18 am

    Jane. I weep with you. My heart breaks that you’ve lost this beautiful girl. She is still a part of your family and always will be. Your love for each other doesn’t die when the body does.

    I hope the good memories of your life together bring you much comfort in the following weeks, and onwards into the future. You were a good human and loving friend and you gave her something special too, the opportunity to be that special, loving girl in a family that allowed her to blossom and have love, life and joy.

    I wish blessings on your whole family at this time, and comfort for you.

  • Reply Stacy at 7:46 am

    Jane,
    I’m so sorry! I know what it is like to lose a furry companion. It is never easy, even when you see it coming. My thoughts are with you and Ryan.

  • Reply Friday features | baby, it’s cold outside | sarah rosemary at 11:40 am

    […] sad news, my friend, Jane, wrote a lovely piece about her dog, Charlie.  Making the choice to put a dog to sleep is never easy, even when we know it’s what we have […]

  • Reply Jeannine at 10:45 am

    I’m sitting here bawling my eyes out. I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what it was like in that room, putting your foreheads together the way we all do and letting her go.

    I’m thinking of you all. 🙁

  • Reply Kimberly at 10:57 am

    Oh no. I just saw this. I drove by your house the other day and wondered how she was doing. I am so sorry. We had to put our cat down three years ago right after my grandfather had died. I had to hold it together at his funeral, as my mom and grandmother were NOT doing well and my kids didn’t need to see me fall apart. We came home to realize Maeve was getting so much worse and the kidney disease had progressed beyond help. I had to take her after I took the boys to preschool. Oh gosh. I just sat in the room w her and sobbed. And then in the car. And at home. I had to wear sunglasses to pick the boys up.

    I pray that you guys find some quiet time to remember the good times and that the rawness will fade.

  • Reply Julie B at 11:06 am

    I’m so sorry, Jane! I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through! My heart goes out to you.

  • Reply Sherry at 11:06 am

    So very sorry that you and Ryan have lost your sweet, devoted Charlie.

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  • Reply Tara at 1:07 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m crying at my desk now. Such a good doggy!

  • Reply Running to the MountainThe Borrowed Abode: Decorating a rental home | The Borrowed Abode: Decorating a rental home at 9:57 am

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  • Reply Cathy Cox at 1:08 am

    I’m so sorry, Jane – two summers ago our dear cat died in a very similar way . . . cats are stoic, and she didn’t seem as ill as she really was till very close to the end. Even then, she hung on for days until our younger daughter returned from vacation. Smokey slept next to me to comfort me all through that summer as my marriage crumbled, even though she was so weak; and that night Katie lay all night next to Smokey to comfort her until we took that final trip to the vet in the morning. I still cry for my lost gray friend, but I couldn’t ask her to stay when she was in so much pain.

    Thank you for sharing your sorrow and your love with us.

    • Reply Jane at 9:46 am

      Cathy – Oh gosh, your story brings tears to my eyes! It’s amazing what an incredible impact these little guys make on our lives. Thank you so much for sharing.

  • Reply Melanie at 8:41 pm

    To be honest, I couldn’t even read all the way through this because somehow my little puppy has turned into a senior dog and I know that it’s just a matter of time before I’m experiencing the grief that you feel. Even looking at your pictures was enough to get me choked up and start the tears.

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    • Reply Jane at 8:47 am

      Oh, Melanie, I’m so sorry! Just enjoy your wonderful time with your pup. Thank you for commenting.

  • Reply Linda Cole (Style Whiz) at 2:21 pm

    My heart almost broke when I heard about Charlie and I went an kissed my two boy dogs Benji and Cappuccino in appreciation.

    These dogs are our friends and family and the loss is never easy.

    My heart goes out to you and I know Charlie was thankful for every day you offered your love.

    Bless you
    Linda Cole

  • Reply Renee B at 9:05 pm

    Hi Jane,

    I just recently found your blog. It’s awesome! But on a different note… I can’t tell you how much I relate to your story. As I sit here, this cold January (28th) evening, I think of how in two more days from now I will be in an animal hospital, watching my darling Patches take her last breath. She’s only 7 and is suffering through her third bout of bladder stones. Being a terrier/poodle mix, her breed is prone to them and because she’s already had surgery twice, her bladder is now mostly scar tissue. We have no choice but to put her down to end her suffering. I’m absolutely devastated. She is one of the most cheerful dogs, the sweetest little thing you’ve ever known. I can’t tell you how sorry I am for your loss. I can just see how special Charlie was to you. I hope the pain has subsided some.

    • Reply Jane at 11:50 am

      Renee, Oh my gosh, your story brings tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing even though I’m a complete stranger. I can honestly say I know some of what you are going through. But also it will get easier…after some time. Right after losing Charlie I couldn’t imagine the grief subsiding, but of course it has started to and now it’s more a quiet missing her vs. horrible overwhelming sadness. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Sending virtual hugs.

      • Reply Renee at 9:27 am

        Thank you for your thoughts! Tomorrow is the day. I just pray I make it through.

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  • Reply Jen at 8:38 pm

    I found your blog via Pinterest and a post about your craft show. I also sew, make pet items and sell at craft shows, but what caught my eye was a comment about Charlie, being in a funk and your new Babylock serger (I also use a Babylock). All these things we have in common, but what drew me in the most was Charlie and I had to find out more.

    First, let me say, I am so sorry for your loss. Second, what a wonderful life you gave her and how lucky she was to have you. I know you feel like YOU are the lucky one, because I have a similar story with my girl Georgia, who passed from cancer 3 1/2 years ago and I still miss her with all of my heart. She wasn’t my first or last dog (I have four animals now), or the one I ‘connected’ with the most…but I had her from 10 weeks old to 14 years old and I realized when she was gone how much she had been taking care of ME.

    The decision to put her down was the hardest, yet easiest decision I have ever made. I agonized over the “”right time” based on what I wanted her last days to be like. I asked her for a sign that my timing was right and true to her ‘caring for me’ nature, she gave me the sign I needed seconds before the injection. I know I did right by her.

    I’m going to follow your blog. Not because I sew, or because I make dog things and sell at craft fairs, and not because I have a handmade business, but because you are the kind of person I admire. How very lucky Charlie was to have you. How very lucky you were to have Charlie. How very lucky we all are to receive love from these beautiful animals.

    • Reply Jane at 6:53 am

      Hi Jen,
      Thank you so much for your kind comments. I appreciate your taking the time to share. I am so sorry you had to go through a similar situation with Georgia. It’s amazing what a difference they make in our lives.

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