What the Hell? A Public Safety Announcement

Public Safety Announcement: Driving DIY is more dangerous than driving DUI.

I can’t drive down suburban streets anymore. I’m a nervous wreck driving anywhere with her.

I’m asking for a lot here, but I think I need to ask the world to enact a new system. I call it Tarp-Rule. Here are the requirements:

1. Trash left on the curb should be covered in a tarp.
2. The tarp should be spread out as to obfuscate the shapes of anything beneath it.
3. Your newly tarped garbage may only be placed on the curb if the sun has set and the trash is to be picked up the following morning.

Now that I have you all in an inquisitive state of mind I request that you picture the following:

It’s a quiet summer afternoon.  You’re driving a blissful 28 mph (I’m not speeding much, Officer) down a quiet street. The trees are that beautiful deep shade of green against the bold blue sky.   Your elbow is sticking out the window in that way that shows the world that you are “relaxed”.  You’re driving by a house with crisp white curtains billowing in the breeze.

Then your lovely girlfriend next to you screams:

OHMIGODSTOPTHECAR

You slam on the brakes and the car screeches to a halt. DANGER. Instinctively you’re checking the mirror, the blind spot, looking for snipers in the trees… What emergency is occurring?!? (Not to mention how did a girl spot it before me.)

As you’re scanning for danger and hidden threats or maybe even a kitten precariously near your front tire,  the woman you love is half-turned, looking over her shoulder, and says

“Oh nevermind. The table is missing a leg.”

Image via Melinnis on Flickr

The danger has been identified. Someone threw out something which might be “re-purposed”.  You take a few deep breaths and calm down.  Slowly, you pull back onto the street and resume your journey.

But something changed that day.

You don’t realize it at the time, but you’re a different person now.  You drive on.  Enjoying the same summer day with the music playing. But now there is something else.  Your eyes nervously flicker from curb to curb. No, you’re not trying to <shudder> re-purpose something.  Don’t be ridiculous.  But maybe someone is throwing out something cool.  Like a stack of video games, or an airplane.  And it never leaves you. You’ll be driving to work and scan the yards for garbage.  You’ll play a game of Grand Theft Auto and as you race down the road with the cops behind you… you’re checking out the virtual ghetto for curb-treasure.

What the hell happened?  Take it away.  I can’t live like this anymore.  Vote for Tarp-Rule today.

*New reader?  Check out the Ryan’s other posts here.