What the Hell!?

What the hell? Today we learn about re-purposing the crisp, white somethings to really pull the room together. I may have broken your title section.

By Ryan.

All you DIY-bloggers out there: Your lexicon needs help. I think it needs to start over. I don’t really read blogs unless at gunpoint, but I hear about them alot (sic). And maybe I’ll read an entry or two if I’m promised that they’re funny (like Sunny here) or that I’ll be given cookies for reading it. (Now accepting offers. Brownies are acceptable substitutions)

But when I do check in I see the same terms used over and over everywhere. I really do like hearing some of the great ideas that people have. The ideas in some of the blogs are brilliant but I think that by sticking with the same lexicon you do yourselves a disservice.

Here are some of my thoughts. In particular order.

Re-purpose (n)
Men, I did the recon and I’ve determined that ‘re-purpose’ is a word that means “It used to be a table in your house… but now I’m going to re-purpose it into being a table in MY house. And I’ll paint it white.”  This appears to be THE current definition of re-purposing. I’m pretty sure it didn’t start out that way but you couldn’t tell from current usage. You take garbage, paint it white, put it in a different room than the original owner had it.

Your nice stained wood dining table? It’s now a white craft table in my den.

Your red end table from your living room? It’s now my cat nail trimming station in the pet room. Oh, and it’s white.

You know, the other day I used a chair as a door stop (First time in my life I’ve wondered if door stop is one word or two. Unfortunately for the reader I think finding out is too time consuming. Since everyone is now trying to remember I’m leaving this as homework for the class.) But it wasn’t re-purposing it. And no, it wasn’t because I forgot the important step of painting it white.

Items don’t come with built in purposes. Just use them for whatever they can do. After I moved a few years ago my floor also served as my sofa and my bed and my dining room table and my closet and my floor. It didn’t mean I re-purposed it. It’s a flat surface. That’s what it does.

If you turn your chair into a catapult that will qualify as re-purposed. And I want to see pics.

Pull the room together (v., definite article, n., adv.)

You are not allowed to use this term unless, when you place the item in the room, THIS happens:


Unless you DIY-dabble in gravimetric singularities, stop using it.

Crisp, sharp, and so on (adj)
Adjectives. Lots and lots of adjectives. I think the web design pages need a built-in thesaurus.

Are you guilty of making something, showing a picture, then painfully describing every aspect of that picture using unnecessary adjectives the whole way? Go check, I’ll wait.

Okay, you’re taking longer than I thought. I’m going to go ahead without you. Read fast to catch up.

It’s a blog about decorating. Tell me what you’re going to do or what you’re trying to show. The post a picture. Apparently those things are worth a thousand words.  You don’t need to go and write those thousand words to accompany it. I just saw it. We’re cool now.

Yes, the wall is red. Everyone agrees with you. Oh, it’s a bold red? Well, I didn’t think it was a subtle red but thanks for clarifying. And your curtains are white and… crisp? Pardon. Did you say crisp? Is that even a good quality for curtains? I never thought about it before. Mine are white too, but… they’re soft. Did I do something wrong? Did I miss a blog post on curtain starching? Is that cool now?

If you showed me something, then you needed to describe it (not explain it, that’s different) in painful detail maybe you’re doing something wrong.


What the hell, people? Don’t let the creativity end at your rooms. Make up new words. Anyways, I’m going to go de-table this table and en-shelf-ulate it. And don’t get me started in how I need to go restarchiate all my curtains now.

That concludes this episode. This will probably be Part 1 of a 4,000 part series.

P.S. Did my girlfriend really just post an article called “I Get Around“?

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  • Reply Kevin at 9:35 am

    Amen Brother!!!! I approvelate this article!!

  • Reply Jen at 10:32 am

    Hahaha! Your blog post was crisp and it repurposed the screen on my laptop. But you forgot to include the “comments” section where you write “Really cute!” or “Great job!” about a million times (and mean it).

  • Reply Jane at 10:34 am

    I would also like to confirm that Ryan is not, in fact, joking about using his old apartment floor as his: dining table, sofa, wrapping station, bed, closet. My first dinner at his place was . . . interesting. We had to eat dinner at his computer desk, with me sitting in his office chair while he sat in a collapsible camping chair.

  • Reply Sunny's Life in Rehab at 12:45 pm

    *Sprays computer screen with Zephyrhills and pees in desk chair*

    And thank you, thank you, for the shout out PRIOR to the focus of the post. Although I just spray painted something white, they went right back to their original purpose.

  • Reply Ryan at 3:01 pm

    Jen! Excellent point to bring to Part 2 of 4000. Feel free to provide any others. 🙂

  • Reply Amanda at 5:01 pm

    Guilty! Hahaha what a great post. Sometimes you have to tell people that your repurposed items are crisp and fresh, or else they don’t believe you (even when the picture is right in front of their judging eyes).

  • Reply Kristin at 6:29 pm

    And I’m dying. Freaking hysterical!

  • Reply Gentry at 11:04 pm

    Found your blog through the anawhite.com blog. THIS was the funniest, most sensible thing I have read recently. SO freaking funny. Ryan, please write more.

  • Reply Reebs at 10:06 am

    Ummm….that was pretty entertaining…Love ya Ryan

  • Reply Meghan at 12:01 am

    Other funny concepts along the same lines:

    Distressing furniture
    Bunting and/or pennant banners
    Hanging plates on the wall
    “Silk” flowers
    The perfect patina

  • Reply Arlene at 11:41 pm

    Ha!!! This is just the best 🙂 This is gonna be a very popular series, I can just feel it…too funny!

  • Reply Jen at 5:07 pm

    Thanks, Ryan…will do.

  • Reply Jen at 5:08 pm

    Oh, I just thought of one: attending parties for your blog 🙂

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  • Reply jen at 12:24 pm

    Oh my goodness this made me giggle. He is right, which makes this the most genius post. Just don’t let him read my blog post from today, or half of my other ones, and we will be good! Too funny!

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  • Reply Sana at 9:27 am

    great post!
    i am particularly amused by that “crisp” adjective. you almost cannot find a post without it.

  • Reply Cheryl at 10:52 am

    This is AWESOME. I can just imagine my husband saying the same stuff as Ryan, if he ever sat down to look at the blogs I read.

    I just found your blog recently (can’t remember how, maybe through Ana-White.com? Or maybe another comment on another home blog site? Or maybe a link party?)

    Anyway, you officially have a new fan. I, too, rent my abode and struggle with the inability to paint on a whim or even hang pictures.

    Stay awesome.

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