Ever since Ryan popped the question, people have been asking us all sorts of questions. “When are you getting married?” “Where are you getting married” “Have you started planning the wedding yet?”
Even though I technically promised Ryan that I’d wait a month before subjecting him to wedding planning craziness, I couldn’t help but think about things. So we have had a few discussions. Here’s some random bits of info for you all. Opinions welcomed in the comments. 🙂
When are we getting married?
We’d like to get married next spring, summer or fall. No later.
Where are we getting married?
Gah. The biggest question. Beach wedding near our home (NJ, DE, MD, VA, NC)? Beach wedding in Florida? Destination wedding to a tropical island in the Caribbean?
My immediate preference was for a large (ish) local beach wedding. Our guest list for that is around 85 people. I love DIY stuff, I love party planning, and most of all – I’d love for our wedding to be a big party with those 85-ish people. I like the concept that you bring your family and friends together to witness your marriage and send you into the next phase of your life.
However.
The more I think about planning a wedding, the more overwhelming I realize it is. The concept of standing on a beautiful tropical beach and exchanging vows with Ryan is tugging at me. Bonus? I hear with destination weddings are a package deal, so you can let the resort take care of all the details. You arrive, run through things, get married, and have a great tropical vacation party with your family and friends.
We’d help our wedding party with costs, becuase it’s a lot to ask of your friends who may not have the funds for the trip. As a bonus, I think my mom would like to do that, I bet my brother and his wife would love a tropical vacation, and the friends who wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford a trip like that would benefit.
And it would be EASY, and save me TIME!
I know Ryan would be happy with it, but what if I regretted not having a fun big wedding with all sorts of little details and special touches that I’m finding on Pinterest?
How many guests would we invite to a destination wedding? Is it ok to invite a larger number, and let them know that if they can’t come it’s ok? Or does that just make them feel bad if they can’t afford to go?
And if my mom throws a party after for everyone who couldn’t go to the actual wedding, is that enough?
I’m. So. Torn. We’ll only get to do this once, after all.
The Dress:
Regardless of which way we decide, I know I want to wear a wedding gown that is flowy and comfy and lightweight, one that I can really dance and walk and play in, but one that still is elegant and really looks like a wedding gown. (As opposed to just a white dress.) I’ve got a Pinterest board devoted to collecting ideas, but here’s a favorite from it:
Or this:
The overarching theme is lace and chiffon. With a little train.
I’ll tell you what I won’t be buying: A dress with a trumpet-style skirt or mermaid. I don’t need to accentuate the width of my hips and butt, thankyouverymuch.
But what about my ethics?
I’m not going to buy a dress that was made overseas in a sweatshop. Unless I buy secondhand. This is also a topic for another day, so I’ll sum it up for now: I’ve already informed Ryan and my family that if we do a local wedding, I want to source from local businesses. No made in China purchases. Catering must be local food and humanely raised meat. Yes, this will cost more. But that’s no reason to leave my ethics at the altar.
The Budget:
I am horrified by the cost of weddings. So we’ll talk about this later. Some items will cost more for us than they would for others, though. See topic: “But what about my ethics?
So these are all the concrete thoughts I’ve got so far. I’d love to know your thoughts on the local big wedding vs. destination wedding/follow-up reception ideas. Or your real life experiences, if you’ve got them. Thank you!
39 Comments
Oh, wedding planning. I disliked being a bride. I found it all over whelming and horrifically expensive. My one piece of advice would to just stay true to you and do what you feel is best.
I think it’s hilarious how you come right out and say you “disliked” being a bride! I don’t think I know anyone else who’s ever said such a thing 🙂 We’re going to do whatever it takes to make it our own, and not be bulldozed by other “interested parties.” 🙂 I think Ryan feels very strongly about that. It should be joyful, not stressful!!
I think a destination wedding is a great idea. I know DIY weddings are fun. I decided to go with a planner locally and leave the details to someone else. I was working full time and had enough on my plate. Julia votes destination all the way! Then it’s really about you guys on every level because it’d be stress free compared to some mega detailed DIY wedding.
So fun to hear what you are thinking about…all of those questions spinning in the head — I get that! I want to keep things small, but when you do the math and realize that just with close family members on your side, not including any friends you’re at about 90 adults & kids, that is frustrating. 🙂 Then there’s the whole “you can’t invite ____ and not invite ____.” part of it all. Ha.So much craziness. Lastly, I have no advice about which wedding option to go with. Sorry, totally not helpful. I can see benefits to both. But look forward to hearing what you decide.
I hear you on the invite lists. . . I think what we’ll do is just invite whomever it takes to keep family happy – because honestly, a wedding is such a positive and happy celebration to me that if so-and-so will be happier because so-and-so is there, then it’s fine with me. And it’s such a busy event that if you have 100 people at a 5 hour reception, for example, you only have approx. 3 minutes per guest, so even if that guest isn’t your fave person you won’t have to interact with them much!
At least that’s how I see it.
I think I am the wrong person to ask about weddings. I am still in recovery mode from ours. It was a blast, it was beautiful, it was sweet….it was everything we wanted and more. But the planning process got long, and since everything we did was DIY, it was crazy time consuming. Asking me if I would do it again would be like asking a woman who is giving birth/JUST gave birth if she wants another baby. Ha! Right now I say elope, elope, elope.
Ha! I can imagine that you’re still recovering from your wedding – although it seems like the perfect event to me! If Ryan weren’t such a fan of the ocean, I’d want to do a barn wedding, hands down. I’d like to do a quasi-DIY, not total DIY, though, because I don’t want to be driving myself crazy…or so I hope.
I’m typically against destination weddings (too expensive and in my experience hardly anyone is able to make the trip), beach weddings, and big, over-the-top weddings. Beach weddings seem great, but there is rarely no fallback plan in case the weather doesn’t hold up, it’s hard to hear anything (espcially if it’s windy), and the logistics of it all (permits, seating,etc) are just obnoxious.
Our wedding was small, local, fairly casual, and cost about $2-3k. It was just a big party where we happened to get married. I think that less-is-more when it comes to weddings. No one is going to remember all the cutesy, unnecessary stuff that people have started coming up with.
Yep, if we did a destination wedding we’d want to cover the costs for people who were attending – or at least cover the bulk of the costs. We’d probably have the same budget as we would for a local wedding. I also think you raise a great point about having back-up b/c of weather conditions – we’d definitely do that.
I definitely agree on the concept of cutting out unnecessary items, too – there are some things I think you just don’t need to waste money on. Thank you so much for sharing your honest opinions on things!!
Remember this is your wedding. Resist pressure from well meaning friends and family members who think they know better.
When you start feeling overwhelmed and stressed, step away for a day. Have some wine, get your nails done or just go out with a friend and relax. Ignore the wedding for that time, it isn’t going anywhere. And when you get back to it, you will have a fresh mind.
Destination weddings sound fun but there are a lot of logistics and hidden costs. I would vote for a more local venue. It would also be easier to follow your ethics by having it closer to home.
I love the dresses you have been pinning, beautiful 🙂
Stephanie – you make a great point that it may be easier to stick to ethical guidelines if we do a local deal where we have more control over vendors, etc. Thank you for that reminder!
I wore a dress very similar to the first picture – LOVED it. Some things that the hubby and I did that worked out really well:
1. BEFORE you talk invite list with parents, decide on the total number of people you want to invite. We wanted only about 100 people there, so we looked at the number of friends we wanted to have there and then divided the remaining invite number in half. 65 invites for his side, 65 invites for my side. Having a concrete number to hit or go under helped both sides decide who really needed to be there. Everyone was happy with the outcome.
2. We used Cheapcarribean.com to book our honeymoon – and stayed at the best possible place we could have imagined for 5 days with absolutely EVERYTHING included (even airfare) for under 2,000. (We splurged here and don’t regret it).
3. We used a local florist shop and bakery and the results were absolutely amazing. Personal touches that would have been overlooked by bigger companies.
4. I made the unity candle out of a white pillar candle and some ribbon – Super easy to do. It’s also much cheaper to make any hair accessories.
Thank you for all these great tips! I’ve heard great things about CheapCarribbean from someone else too, so coupled with your input I guess I’ll give that a shot when it comes to the vacation 🙂 Can’t wait to be on a tropical beach after the wedding. 🙂
I like your ideas about the wedding dress not coming from over seas in a sweat shop. I wore my moms and had a designer totally make it over. You can always go to a local design student or dress maker with all your favorite pictures and have one made just for you. Mine was about 1/4 of the cost of all my friends dresses because I did it this way, and I seriously met the dressmaker in her little apartment a bunch of times, so I felt like I was helping her out too.
Wow, I love that you were able to re-use your mom’s wedding gown! What a great idea.
I’m definitely open to vintage or just plain used dresses – just need to find a good seamstress in my area. Thanks!
As a DW bride I’m going to say go for DW. But I’m a little biased! Though really…do what is best for you and the future hubby. I will give you some insight on the DW so you can decide what is best for you. Make a list of your VIP’s and make sure they would be able to make it to the DW or if you could afford to get them there. Once you know that….then you can invite everyone who you would like to come the local wedding. Then they can decide for themselves if they would like to go. Alot of pp who we didn’t expect to make it showed up. Everyone still talks about our wedding to this day. AS for the DIY part…you can still do that. I even brought my own silk flowers w/ me. Its just a matter of how much you want to lug there. One of the best parts was being able to show up, write one check, and just enjoy myself. If you have any specific quesitons or cost questions. Holla. I would be happy to give you more insight. Just do what is best for you!
Thanks for the awesome input from the DW side of the fence 🙂 It sure sounds tempting to fly off and leave the planning to the resort or hotel!
Good luck with the planning, Jane! I agree: I was horrified by costs and annoyed.
We did a lot of DIY– mini centerpieces, table cards, college friend made a cake for show but we didn’t want a wedding cake for guests. I bought a used dress and felt better about that. Just do what feels right and don’t take too many suggestions for other, well-meaning people! You are so creative and crafty that I think parts will be fun for you!
Thanks for your encouragement and input 🙂 Once we decide on destination or regular, I think the rest will be relatively easy. . . famous last words. 🙂
After doing the big (150 ppl) wedding thing I wished we had planned a destination wedding but in the end I am glad we did it at home. I think it depends on the couple and the families involved and everyone’s ability to handle stress.
One regret I have is that I chose a dress I liked at a store that was nice, but it wasn’t super special. I have an aunt in VT (at the time I was in SC) who is an amazing wedding gown designer. I wish I’d had her custom make my dress. You should check her out, she can consult over email/phone and she gets many of her fabrics and lace from Europe, hand picks them out. Her work is not limited to what’s on her website so I hope you’ll contact her to see what she might be able to do. http://www.foxglovegowns.com/
Katy – Thanks so much for the honest input and for the recommendation! I’ll be sure to check out your aunt’s website when I’m ready to dive into dress planning!
Gosh, do I hear on wedding expenses and the overwhelming amount of work that goes into planning a large one. I couldn’t bear the thought of either one of those things when I was planning my own. We ended up having a teeny tiny wedding (25 guests) in my in-law’s backyard. It helped that we both have very small families and that my in-law’s have a beautiful property. Our guests were primarily family and we threw a casual party for all of our friends a couple of months later. The wedding itself was extremely DIY – I bought my flowers locally, friends and family made the food (and it was good stuff like bacon-wrapped scallops!) and my mom and I made cupcakes for guests and a tiny wedding cake for us. We rented a small tent along with tables, chairs, and linens and I did all of the decor on my own. I found a wedding photographer on Craigslist who was looking to build her portfolio so she was extremely affordable and her work was wonderful. Was it still a lot of work? Very much so. However, we also came in under $4,000 for the whole shebang, including our rings, my dress, his suit, and were able to get married and have 0 wedding-related debt when it was all over.
Wow! It sounds like you guys really rocked the budget wedding. How I wish my family had a gorgeous property that would fit a wedding. Actually, my parents’ old house had an enormous and beautiful back yard. . . I wish they still lived there, because it would be perfect for popping up a tent, and rocking a party. Alas. 🙂
I can promise you that, after all is said and done, you WILL NOT remember all those little touches and details you agonized over. I swear to you, you won’t. What you will remember is how stressed you were (or were not) before the wedding and how much fun you had on your big day. So focus on the big picture and don’t sweat the details. Believe me when I tell you, now is not the time to go all DIY crazy.
Based on what you said, it sounds like the destination wedding is what you’re leaning toward. Go for it! Keep the guest list smaller and then invite everyone else to a fun party after you get home.
I totally believe you that I won’t remember the little details. I’ll probably remember my making a fool out of myself by tripping on my way down the aisle or something! 🙂 Thank you for your thoughts – I love hearing everyone’s input!!
I LOVED planning my wedding!!!! I think if you like being crafty then it is a really fun thing. I had a similar goal- a big party with our family and friends. I wanted it to be very personal not cookie cutter. On the other hand I’ve been to a great destination wedding. I think you invit anyone you want and those who can make it will. Just know it will be smaller than if it was local. If there are a lot of people who can’t make it then you could do a large party after. My friend did that, and for her it was the best of both world because the party had crafty, personal touches but the wedding was where she wanted it. She wore her dress to the party too. I think it just depends on what matters to you more.
I do love being crafty, you’re so right about that! I’m still stuck on the fence, but hope to make a decision soon. 🙂 If we do a DW it will definitely be for a much smaller group. Thanks for sharing your feedback!
Yay, thanks for this post! I was wondering about pretty much all those things. =) I love your pinboard for your dress, they are some of the same exact styles I looked at when searching for my wedding dress. I’m so excited for you! It is a bit stressful planning a wedding, but you can make it more simple and still have a wonderful occasion. I got stressed a little when planning ours, but we really tried to keep things super simple. For example, I freaked out about favors one day, so we decided to just not have any. It was fine! No one even remembers that we didn’t have favors. =)
I think we’re definitely in the “no favors” boat. I think that people will appreciate good food and fun more than a cheap little favor. Hopefully. 🙂
Check out couples.com. A friend of mine had her wedding at a resort in Jamaica (if you check out the site, they picked Couples Tower Isle). Only 4 of us came to the wedding, but it was still fun and really beautiful, and then they threw a reception a few weeks later for all those that couldn’t make it to the wedding (they showed the wedding video and photos, so it was almost like everyone got to go a “second time”.
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.178727348841762.33237.150542921660205&type=1 – these are the photos I took at her wedding, but she had a photographer in her wedding package as well. She even ended up doing a “destroy the dress” photo shoot, and since it didn’t really destroy her dress, she dried it out and donated it to an organization that gives dresses to girls who can’t afford them in Jamaica.
Danielle – thanks so much for the suggestions! And I love the idea of donating the dress afterwards – that’s right up my alley 🙂
Okay, this may sound a leetle weird – I’m surprising myself by this too! – but the pictures of wedding dresses you posted match almost exactly the dress I ended up with. If you’re around a size 8 or 10 and are thinking secondhand… I might have a dress you might like? And my hubby and I got married in Williamsburg. Not a beach destination, but great for friends and family to make a vacation out of. And definitely stick to your guns about keeping it simple. It really is about family and friends having a good time. Nobody really cares about the flowers.
That’s awesome- great minds think alike, right? 🙂 I’m a 4 but I guess that means 6 in wedding gown size, but I want to try a bunch on and see what style actually works on me in real life. If any of the ones like my inspiration photos work, I’ll drop you a line for more info- i definitely love the idea of buying secondhand! 🙂 Thanks for telling me!
Hi Jane, I so agree with the comments you’ve gotten so far! I loved my wedding (and the beautiful music you played!). My wedding was a gift – to my parents, to my family and friends. I spent more time worrying about them than about me! And I wouldn’t change anything (ok – maybe Matt’s black eye the day of). But it did take me months before I could even think about it without being exhausted! What I love is that when it came to baby celebrations (showers, nursery decor, etc) I didn’t feel one bit of guilt about being pampered and endulged, taking time to do those loving little personal touches. I loved my wedding, but my baby prep was my true fairytale and DIY extravaganza. I’m not saying you should already be thinking baby (!) but just wanted to remind you that this won’t be your last opportunity to truly celebrate the love you two have.
Hi Jane, I so agree with the comments you’ve gotten so far! I loved my wedding (and the beautiful music you played!). My wedding was a gift – to my parents, to my family and friends. I spent more time worrying about them than about me! And I wouldn’t change anything (ok – maybe Matt’s black eye the day of). But it did take me months before I could even think about it without being exhausted! What I love is that when it came to baby celebrations (showers, nursery decor, etc) I didn’t feel one bit of guilt about being pampered and endulged, taking time to do those loving little personal touches. I loved my wedding, but my baby prep was my true fairytale and DIY extravaganza. I’m not saying you should already be thinking baby (!) but just wanted to remind you that this won’t be your last opportunity to truly celebrate the love you two have.
Christine – I think you make a great point about the weding being about family and friends, and not just about the couple. I’m definitely taking that approach with the guest list, if we go local. But when it comes to other things, we’re definitely going to do the little details the way we choose to…just because there are a LOT of opinions and we don’t want to turn it into a balancing act 🙂
And nope…definitely not thinking baby, and didn’t take your comment as such – so no worries! 🙂
I did a DIY wedding and planned my entire wedding by myself as my husband was deployed to Iraq at the time. While a DIY wedding makes you think about details more, I found that I loved it and it helped take my mind off of other things 🙂 Plus we were able to keep it under $5k.
I would vote for more of a local venue. From what I hear, destination weddings can be a pain. My best friend’s
brother is getting married in January in the Keys and they are having a
lot of issues with getting things lined up and having to fly down to
take care of things. We got married in my husband’s home town as they were willing to work with us more if we had to change the date of our wedding if my husband’s tour got extended. It was only an hour away from where I lived so it made it relatively easy to go up to visit places and see stuff and I could stay with my in-laws, but it was still a bit more stressful than I would have liked.
Overall, my advice would be to think everything over and do what you feel would make you happiest and less stressed. Remember to enjoy the time. It’s supposed to be fun.
Oh my gosh, I can’t imagine having to plan the wedding with your husband deployed at the same time! The point you make about having planning be difficult when it’s in a far away location is one thing that I have concerns with. I don’t want to have to fly to the tropical venue beforehand just for planning…so thanks for that reminder. 🙂
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