This morning I dropped my dog Charlie off at the hospital because she starts chemotherapy today, and I have to admit to having second thoughts about pursuing this course of treatment.
When Charlie was first diagnosed with cancer, my point of view changed suddenly. Despite swearing I’d never spend thousands on a terminal condition in my pets, I was suddenly willing to pay whatever it cost to provide the best possible treatment. I’m not ready to lose my Charlie, and I just wanted her to come home.
But now that she’s home, of course I find myself wanting more. I want the old Charlie, the puppy that was ridiculous and silly and couldn’t sit still when excited. I remind myself in the quiet moments that this was all I asked for, to have her back home with me.
Enjoying a fall fire last Sunday.
She’s not the same Charlie anymore. She’s more subdued and she sleeps a lot more. The pup who would eat anything – like carrying a cup of coffee from the front of the car to the back, then meticulously removing the lid and drinking it all without spilling a drop – is not here right now, either.
The other day I thought about this as I sat on the floor, trying to feed her the canned dog food that just a few hours earlier she was relishing. Now she was giving me the look, turning her head away every time I offered her a bite of food.
For some reason I started wondering what the point was. What if it’s only getting my hopes up, and really, it won’t bring her back to the old awesome Charlie that we knew and loved for years? Maybe we should just accept the inevitable and let nature take its course sooner . . . ?
It’s just incredibly frustrating to think that she might never be running around at top speed again, or climbing a mountain with me.
When I reluctantly told Ryan I’d been having these feelings of “why bother,” he told me he’d been struggling with the same feelings too. But we are going to try chemo a shot, just so we don’t ever regret not trying.
I really liked the oncologist when I met with him last week. He only believes in doing chemo for as long as you and your dog are enjoying a relatively happy and normal life together. He refuses to place a feeding tube when the appetite really goes near the end, because that isn’t humane. He says we have a responsibility to treat our pets humanely , including letting them go when they tell us it’s time.
So today we start our puppy on chemo. We have no idea if it’s the right choice for her or not. The worst part is, there are no guarantees for the outcome. We just want her to be happy and comfortable.
Have you ever had a dog or cat go through chemo? If so, I’d love to know what it was like.
6 Comments
Your story brought me to tears. I’m sorry to know you and Charlie are having to go thru this. We’ve never had chemo on a pet but we did take steps to extend the life of our daughter’s horse. It was a very difficult process for everyone involved and we may not have done it had we known the effect at the time. But we all do the best we can at the time. They are too dear to our hearts to do less.
I’m sorry to hear about your puppy. (My “puppy” is 12ish and I got him when he was 2ish, but he’s still “the puppy” too!) I’ve never personally treated a pet with chemo, but a coworker did. They had many ups and downs throughout the process. Their fur friend would be sick and not wanting to eat for a while after the chemo, and then would perk up until the next treatment. He was a big dog, and would be weak at times, so there was a lot of carrying him up and down the stairs for potty trips. They did the chemo until it started to kick the dog’s butt more than it did reduce the growth of his tumor. I think they were happy for the extra time that they had with him.
Again, I’m sorry your puppy is sick. I know how hard it is to have to make appropriate medical decisions for a creature with no voice. They can talk in other ways though. Listen, and I think you will be able to make the right decisions.
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