What the Hell?! Ryan’s letter to the petsitter

Yesterday Ryan made a visit to Delaware to visit with me and my mom. Our pet sitter was already booked due to the holiday week, but my awesome friend Rachel was able to take care of the animals. (Thank you times 1,000!)

The instructional email that Ryan sent her was amusing enough that I thought it was worthy of sharing here for smiles 🙂 Please note his obvious bias against my perfect cats. . .

Hi Rachel!

I hope this is your actual email address. If not, other-Rachel, please disregard.

The dogs are down in the basement in the “pet feeding and general pet storage” area. I believe Jane already worked out the times for your visits. I’m leaving later than planned and they were just out (10:30) so feel free for a later mid-day visit.

Please note the height of the baby/doggy/midget gate. This is high enough to allow the cats under, but low enough to prevent the dogs from squeezing through. Their litter box is on the other side so it’s best for all parties if they have access to it (though maybe not for the dogs that have to lay near it).

Their food is in the pantry upstairs. It’s the skinny door next to the fridge. I left refills of food in labeled bags on top of each bowl. A quick way to tell them apart is Charlie’s is multicolored like an unhealthy child’s cereal. Smell is not a good differentiator. They both smell like dead fish.

I left a milkbone out in each bowl. It’s an appropriate mid-day snack if (AND ONLY IF) they show sufficient enthusiasm at your visit. If not, you can just yell at them a lot.

Water bowl is downstairs. You can refill it in the sink. They prefer tap water, but Evian will do in a pinch.

Please encourage them to spend some time going the bathroom when they’re outside. They’re a bit prissy and don’t like actually leaving the porch area. They’ll look at you with eyes that say “Yes, I’ve done my business.” but their hearts are really saying “Grass is icky. I will postpone my business til later, hoping this will be a paved parking lot in 4 hours.” They’ll forget to hold it later. I’m looking at you, Charlie.

If Doctor meows a lot, feel free to kick him across the room. He likes it. Honestly. If Aretha meows at you a lot, she likes you! Congratulations! That’s a rare treat! You might have a new friend. I’ll drop her off Monday with all her belongings.

Oh, you may be serenaded by Charlie’s favorite song when locked in the basement. It’s called “Help, I’ve been abandoned by my family on this cozy bed with accessible drinking water”. She does concerts every 5 minutes when she thinks no one is home. It’s quite amazing for the level of patheticness achieved by a dog in a nice suburban neighborhood.

I think that’s it. If the cats go missing somehow while you’re visiting, there’s a $100 reward in it for you. Per cat. Don’t answer now. Think about it.