It’s crime of the highest order. Fraternization (sororitization?) with the enemy! Treason! Scandal!
Fall decorating.
Maybe you don’t understand. Leaves are the enemy. Every spring they start growing, all nice and green and innocent. They provide comfortable shade on a hammock in the summer.
But then they turn on you. They change colors and attack. By the trillions they fall and fall and fall. And every year I return to the front lines to stem back the tide of leaves. And I do mean tide. They’re neck deep out there. The infantry goes out and they rake and bag and rake and bag. You pull out the cavalry of lawnmowers and they slaughter leaves by the hundreds. As you clear a path before you they flank you and close off the escape. You return every weekend to wipe them out. But they still come down.
SO WHY THE HELL IS IT THAT WHEN I COME BACK IN, TIRED AND EXHAUSTED, YOU’VE TURNED MY HOUSE INTO AN HOMAGE FOR THE ENEMY?
Ryan: 1 billion Leaves: 0
Leaves everywhere. You stick them up on windows, on the fridge. You buy plastic decorative leaves for artsy arrangements… which is great because we certainly don’t have 17 million of them falling in the backyard as I write this! You display acorns (You’re starving squirrels for this) and later some pine branches (which don’t lose their needles so it’s unnecessary cruelty to drag them into this) on the coffee table. There’s even leaves on the page banner!
Our troops don’t come home from overseas to pinups of Osama bin Laden around the house! (Okay, so maybe it’s not exactly the same scale. But it’s close.)
Do you not remember what Autumn looks like? It’s right outside the damned window! No really, go look. If it doesn’t look like it right now it’s because I just came in from bagging all the leaves again!
All guilty parties have been court-martialed for crimes against the Abode. Report at 0800 for sentencing.
*Note to new readers, from Jane: This is just another in a series of “What the Hell” posts from my boyfriend, Ryan. Read all of his previous entries here.
9 Comments
Oh, this is HILARIOUS! So, so true… I have to make 100% certain my husband never reads this so the troops can’t unite. I’ll guard my fake leaves and pine cones closely.
LMAO!!!!! You’re too funny! So maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world that I haven’t decorated (and don’t plan on decorating) with a single holiday thing? (well.. ok… until Dec at least) =)
Look at the bright side girl — at least you have trees! The house we are renting is so ridiculously cookie cutter that they didn’t see fit to replant the trees they yanked up from the ground. jerks!
xoxo
jenn
If you press freshly-fallen leaves while they are still colorful, they will retain their color when dried (albeit very faded) and not go brown and shriveled. Handy if you have an aversion to faux foliage like me but love the Autumn hues.
/neener! 😛
P.S. Don’t even tell me you wasted that amazing pile of leaves by NOT jumping in it. If so, you are a disappointment to aged children everywhere.
What is this “Autumn” of which you speak? Tell me more, I am intrigued…
Funny as hell post, Ryan. I think milk came out my nose, and I’m not even drinking milk.
Ahhh, another insight into the minds of men. I must confess, I never thought about how ridiculous it is to actually buy fake fall leaves when they are laying all over the ground…
This is his last post?! It is hilarious! I always moan about how we don’t have any trees in our yard and my husband is always quick to point out that it’s okay because then we don’t have to rake leaves :). Boys!
Oh, dear. This is certainly treason to someone who was waged war on leaves for over a decade now. I think you should prepare for an invasion of snowflake decor when you’re shoveling…
Definitely a good one!!!! <3