So you saw her version of the story.
I got out the vacuum and started to vacuum the living room, as I am wont to do on a Sunday afternoon. Jane, for some reason beyond my explanation, decides now is a good time to take a nap on the living room couch.
I start vacuuming, nearly killing a plant with an errant power cord. Jane is laying on the couch watching me vacuum. (It was a slow day) She comments on how the vacuum isn’t picking up any dirt. I, too, have noticed that I seem to be just shifting it around. I turn off the vacuum and examine the bottom. The brush is a multicolored delight of threads it has picked up around the house from Jane’s sewing debris. As I’m clearing them off of the brush I see that the intake hose is clogged with dust. An easy fix! WHAT CAN GO WRONG?
As I’m sitting on the floor digging into the innards of the vacuum I figure it’s a good time to clean out the rest of it as well. We have a great Bissell bag-less vacuum (Bissell Cleanview Helix Upright Vacuum Cleaner, Bagless, 82H1 to be precise) that works really well but dust can build up here and there throughout the system. I take out the internal filter and I’m knocking some of the dust off of it when Jane sits up and asks “Want me to throw it on the driveway?”
I pause for a moment, trying to decide if this is some new slang. Did she just offer me drugs? Jane sees my confusion and offers “The filter. I can take it outside and throw it on the driveway to knock the dust off.” Nightmare visions run through my head of the solutions she comes up with for problems when I’m not home.
Being a charitable and, moreover, a lazy person I agree to let her “throw it on the driveway”. She heads outside as I continue cleaning the vacuum. A long period of time passes before she comes back in. (Long being defined as ‘it took more than 30 seconds’). She asks if I could come outside because she lost the filter.
She lost the filter.
All CSI and Agatha Christie fans, get your thinking caps on:
From my recreation of the crime scene, here is my understanding of events.
1) Jane went onto the front steps
2) Jane threw the filter with gusto towards the driveway
3) The filter bounced at least once and probably twice before disappearing under her car
4) Jane saw that the cylindrical filter might continue rolling down the driveway and into the street and rushed to intercept it
5) The filter is gone. It’s just GONE.
6) Jane frantically searches under her car so she wouldn’t get in trouble for losing the filter.
7) The filter continues in its state of being just GONE.
8) Jane re-enters the un-vacuumed abode to summon help.
We check under the car. Practically the entire undercarriage. I took my Droid and set it to video record and waved it around the places I couldn’t examine first hand. There is no sign of it. I check the neighbor’s yard. I check the street curb. I check under my car. Hell, knowing Jane I checked the damned ROOF.
It’s gone. I don’t know how or where or why. I’m still holding out for an elaborate post-April Fool’s Day hoax. The other leading theory is that there is some antimatter singularity underneath her car that ate it.
Other news: I was on Bissell’s website looking for a missing filter and noticed that when I added the part of my shopping cart I was receiving 12 Reward Points. “Reward for what?” I wondered. The rewards for accumulating between 1-25 points are as follows: “Monthly Cleaning Email” & “Online Product Specials”. I think that’s fancy talk for spam. I’m not really an expert in this field, but I don’t think the world of cleaning changes at such a rapid pace that I need a monthly cleaning email. Also, while I appreciate product specials I have a vacuum already. I’m buying a part for it. I’m not planning on buying a new one.
Disclaimer: I am fond of my Bissell vacuum cleaner. It has held up well against 4 pets and Jane. So long as you don’t allow Jane to service/clean/repair any of the parts of your vacuum cleaner I would expect it to hold up for a good long time. Bissell is probably going to read this and add Jane to things that void the warranty.
Note from Jane: What Ryan didn’t explicitly mention is that the Bissell is especially awesome for furry households. It’s got a great rolling brush attachment that makes de-furring your upholstered furniture (and duvet covers, I might add) a breeze!
13 Comments
Um…in the disclaimer you also forgot to mention you are fond of Jane. Despite the havoc-wreaking effects I may have on my environment.
Oh, and for all you readers out there: Let it be known that, if I did NOT service the parts of the vacuum, it’s quite possible that the filter (previously cleaned many times with great success) would never have been cleaned and washed. Ever. 🙂
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This is hilarious. I feel like I’m living in a bad movie that would happen at my house. Cracked up a the comment about the roof, that too is something I can hear said here. The only thing different would be that in my movie, there would be a complaint about all the long hair that is wrapped around the brush because of two womenfolk in the house.
Thanks! My ponytail is not very evident in her photo but I’m the person with the longest hair in the house so I can’t complain too loudly about hair around the brush.
OMG LMBO!! That was hilarious!
OMG! Ryan, thank you for posting your version. This is freaking hilarious!
Sidenote: you need POINTS to receive an email?! I wish all websites did this. I would get way less spam 🙂
I seriously laughed out loud at this entire entry. But then, I’m the “Jane” (sorry Jane) in my household who clogs the brush with hair/thread/string/whatever and would also probably throw the filter on the driveway to rid it of its nastiness, so I’m sure they should add me to the list of things that void their warranty, too.
We have that vacuum. It belongs to my son, Samwow, and he’s oddly protective of it, probably because he’s always subconsciously believed I’d bounce the filter into the transmission of the Prius.
Well, if that wasn’t a fear of his, it will be after he reads this. Excellent recap of the crime, Ryan.
Is there a storm drain near your driveway that it could have rolled down? Or are there some bushes that it might have bounced into?
are there any trees nearby?? I would look up… also, I can relate to the threads and LONG hair wrapped around the brush in the vacuum. I have a Bissell steam cleaner and it works very well. Oh, and what can I say?? I raised a wise ass…
Since my driveway is gravel, this wouldn’t help me at all. My method of cleaning the filter for the central vac is the “shake-n-bake” method. Drop it into a humungous trash bag and shake it like crazy!
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